Cheer up a colleague? Better not approach it like that | Thijs Launspach

Stay positive. tackle. Be optimistic. Think of opportunities, not problems. Don’t be negative and don’t complain. Carefree. Above all, see the good sides of things. Good vibes only!

Of course, being positive in life is important – at work and beyond. Right now can domentality (‘we can do this!’) after all, you’re doing more than if you’re mostly complaining all day about what’s wrong. Positive people are easier to work with and they also get better results.

This is all very true, but positivity can also go too far. At least that’s what psychotherapist Whitney Goodman says in her book. toxic positivity† When you are around people who only allow the expression of positive emotions, there is no room for completely normal feelings of fear, sadness or frustration. If there’s too much emphasis on being positive, it’s suffocating.

Suppose you have applied for work for an interesting position in the organization, for which you are perfectly suited. You are really looking forward to it, but unfortunately you are rejected. You are, logically, disappointed and sad. Looking for an attentive ear, you talk about it to a colleague who immediately exclaims: ,,Well, after all, there are no more jobs. And now you have a little more time to think about what to do instead. Besides, be thankful that you at least still have this job!”

It’s probably well-intentioned, but you probably don’t feel heard because of it. You wanted to express your feelings, not a pep talk. See here: toxic positivity.

When only positive emotions are allowed, positivity takes on something convulsive. It doesn’t create understanding, but rather sets a standard for how you should feel. The focus on the positive can even be harmful when other feelings are not allowed. Then there is no room for anger, criticism, or sadness – completely normal things that we sometimes feel every week. So you have to push those emotions away: you don’t want to be a “negative person”, do you?

So yes, stay positive as much as possible, but don’t suppress other feelings – for yourself and for others. No one is always a happy egg, and it certainly shouldn’t become the norm. Positivity is only sincere if there is also room for complaining, fuming or crying from time to time. There are no “negative” emotions, only very human emotions.

Thijs Launspach is a psychologist and stress specialist. He wrote the books Fokking Druk (2018), Working with millennials (2019) and Werk kan uit (2020) on this subject.

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