Ask Amy: Compromised couples struggle with communication

Dear Amy: I was reunited with a girlfriend after 14 years of separation. At the time, we were in touch and often wondered if the two would leave it soon.

Now we are together again, different people from those first years together, which has caused some heated arguments, disagreements, many misunderstandings and so on.

His communication style is outspoken, straightforward, hopeless, and considered average. My communication style is the opposite, which also causes a rift between us. We have only been living together for two months.

I do not know where to go from here. I love her deeply and I know she loves me. I wish we could really act, but I wonder if we are wasting time trying to rekindle a burning flame.

I will consider treatment. I do not want to share my problems with family or friends for fear of judgments.

What do you recommend?

– Not sure

Dear Uncertainty: If you are open to couple advice, give it a try.

Different communication styles deepen small divisions, but if you learn to communicate with each other more effectively, intimacy will certainly deepen.

Does your girlfriend want to communicate differently? Even if she doesn’t agree with what you say, does she want to engage by listening? Can she learn to accept her nakedness without being ridiculed or averaged? Are you both ready to change your mind? What is the personal “cost” for both of you to stay in this relationship?

These are all questions that need to be taken to a consultant. When your insights and desire to change are still fresh, start as soon as you can.

Psychology Today (psychlogytoday.com) Provides a useful database of therapists, organized by specialized and geographical location, although the location is no longer breaking a contract because many therapists will work remotely with clients.

For some insight into how a therapist works, I highly recommend the documentary series “Couples Therapy” currently streaming on Amazon Prime.

Dear Amy: My ex-wife and I have been married for almost 30 years.

Eight years ago, he told me he wanted to change his life and move to another part of the country. For a number of reasons, I chose not to follow her on her new path, and we went through a harmonious divorce. My ex and I had some but always good communication via phone and SMS. We had no children and there was never an expectation that we would compromise.

Six years ago, I developed a relationship with another woman. I told her about my new relationship and she seemed happy with me.

Three months ago, my new wife and I got married.

A week or two after my wedding, I texted my ex to let her know.

Her response was cut and painful. It said, “I thought we had a deal that you would tell me before you got married. I don’t think we have any reason to have future communications. “

I do not know how to handle this brush, or should I even try.

I do not believe I agreed to let her know before I remarried. But even if I did, her response seems like an intention to hurt me.

– Confused

Dear Confusion: I can’t talk to your ex-wife’s motives, but for me she is too focused on expressing her hurt feelings, trying to hurt you.

You can certainly retaliate and defend against her accusation. But if that is your instinct, I think you should suppress it and uphold her statement, I respect her desire not to be in touch.

However, you can feel better about this chapter (and your own behavior) if you respond to her: calmly, kindly, honestly. You can text her, “I am really sorry and sorry for your reaction to my wedding message. You were an important element in my history and my life, and I hoped to be friends. ”

Dear Amy: “Loyal” presented a thrilling account of how her boyfriend was constantly suspicious and watching her.

I was relieved that you took how creepy it was and forced her to leave the relationship.

– It was there

Loved ones: A person’s story often reveals an environment they do not see. This is one reason why it is so important to tell your own story.

You can email Amy Dickinson [email protected] Or send a letter to Amy, Mailbox 194, Freeville, NY 13068.